Communication - Why is it So Difficult?By Harry Peasley Communication is a process where information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. My question is when do we not communicate? I believe the answer is never. We are constantly communicating a message of some sort, even when we're sleeping or relaxing in front of a television. While this hasn’t happened in a meeting I’ve chaired, I’ve seen people nod off during a meeting. I’m here to tell you — that gesture communicates several messages loud and clear; from dis-interest of that participant to possibly poor meeting skills by the chairperson.
If this definition is true, to communicate well isn't difficult. After all, we learned the basic skill of communication during infancy. As a parent myself, I find it ironic we spend much of our time and energy getting our children to talk in infancy, then when they become teenagers, we spend all our energy trying to get them to be quiet. Perhaps you can tell I currently have two teenage children with that statement? The challenge of communicating well isn't about speaking clearly, or giving our ideas and opinions. Think about this — there are times we can communicate better with our pets than with other humans. As you're pondering that thought, think about the co-worker you avoid because you've never been able to carry on a friendly conversation with them. Think about conversations you've had with a parent or friend about a subject each of you believe strongly and you were on opposite sides. Think about your spouses or mates and the conversations you've had, especially where you've had disagreements. I'm not trying to be cynical, I'm not attempting to trash the other gender, people who are not like me, nor have different interests. From everything I've seen, heard and experienced, clearly communicating with other humans comes down to just two things - listening and understanding. If that's all it is, then why is good communication so difficult? I believe that will become more apparent when we explore each area of listening and understanding. Listening: As humans, we learn to speak clearly and use big words to exemplify our point (exemplify?). The old adage, "God created us with two ears and one mouth so we should listen twice as much as we speak" gives us part of the story. Listening - real listening is visual as well as auditory. A number of years ago, a study by Dr. Albert Mehrabian found interpersonal communication is broken up into three distinct parts: words, intonation and body language. Words elicit certain meanings - "dog, the, going, walk, I, am, to." Words and meanings are a very small part of communication, only 7 percent. Intonation is the rise and fall in the pitch of the voice and comprises 38 percent of communication. Our verbal communication combines words and intonation, and stresses different words in a sentence and changes the meaning. "I am going to walk the dog." When you stress dog, the meaning might be you're walking the dog instead of the cat. When you stress I, the meaning might be "I" instead of you. If you did the math already, 55 percent of communication is body language. Good listening with your ears is only 45 percent of communication. When you see a person's body language, you get a deeper level of listening. For instance "I (add stress on this word) am going to walk the dog (add the visual of a clenched fist with the thumb up and pointing back at "I")." This might be interpreted as making a stronger point. It could be interpreted as aggressive. It could be interpreted as a sense of pride. It definitely makes one wonder what the meaning truly is. To listen with the eyes and ears can create some confusion or misinterpretation of the message.
Understanding: The brain can accept over 500 plus words per minute. I've also read that the brain works at 2000 plus words per minute. Which studies should we believe? Whether the numbers are 500 or 2000 it tells us the brain is complex and amazing. The average person speaks at about 140 to 185 words per minute. If a person speaks too slowly, the listener's mind wanders. If a person speaks too quickly, the listener's mind doesn't comprehend it. It's an interesting phenomenon. What does the brain do between words 186 and 499 or higher? It usually talks to itself. How does it do that? Think about it next time someone's talking with you and you have no interest in the subject matter or the person. Or better yet, put yourself in that meeting I referred to earlier. Speaking faster to catch up with the brain’s capacity won't help a person understand better. In fact, it makes things worse as the brain gets lost in the speed. Better focus on what a person's saying will help a person gain higher levels of understanding. A technique that's very helpful to focus on a speaker is to paraphrase what was communicated. You don't want to do this all the time, as you may seem unnatural or insincere. Paraphrase when you need clarity in the message, or when your brain is starting to wander. This technique is known as "reflective listening" or mirroring. To open up more communication, ask open-ended questions - one in which can't be answered by a yes or no after the reflective listening. Doing this gives you a deeper understanding or motivation around the intended message. For instance: Person 1 - "I want to get coffee." Sometimes listening means to do just that - listen. An open-ended question by design gets the other person to talk. If you do this well, you should be talking about half as much as you're listening and always observing for non-verbal clues. In this article we've discussed:
We try to make the "art form" of communication a science and one size fits all. Face it, sometimes we get a little lazy and desire a quick fix answer. When we look at science, we find there are some solid answers. Learning to communicate better is similar to learning a musical instrument. When learning a musical instrument, one learns how to play the notes and how to read music. After some practice, something that resembles a tune emerges. With even more time and practice, the tune sounds better but has little feeling or expression. When feeling and expression comes out in music, it sounds beautiful and is fun to play and listen to. But others don't see the work and effort involved in getting to that point. Communication is a great skill that is learned and practiced just like the musical instrument. Practice the art of focusing on others as they speak. Practice observing others as they communicate. Practice reflective listening and open-ended questions. Practice listening and understanding - there are no short cuts in developing these skills. There is much more to communication than meets the eye (or is that the ear?). When you apply yourself to be a better communicator, you will achieve New Heights and opportunities you never knew existed will miraculously appear. Copyright 2004, New Heights |
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